You know when you go on holiday to some exotic clime and you think, “Oh I’ll buy a little something for the office from here. You know, just to be nice.” You do this and everyone in your office appreciates the kind gesture. What happens is Japan is, “Oh, I better not forget to buy something for the office or they will regard me as scum.”

Yes, in Japan buying a little something for the office is basically expected of you. You not only have to buy them when you go on a big holiday but also if you go on a weekend trip somewhere. I dunno about you but when I worked in an office I definitely did not expect random snacks every time someone went on a weekend trip to Margate.

These little gifts, known in Japanese as omiyage, can be just about any small foodstuff. Generally sweets, chocolates, cakes or jelly but can also include stuff like sake and cheese. Omiyage is what I blame for there being no Japanese version of Mars Celebrations, but that is another story.

Omiyage is also another example of not being able to trust anything your Japanese-English dictionary says. The usual translation for omiyage is generally souvenir. Don’t trust that definition for a second. The always useful Dictionary.com defines souvenir as:

“A usually small and relatively inexpensive article given, kept, or purchased as a reminder of a place visited, an occasion,etc.;memento.”

Sure, omiyage is generally small but souvenirs are supposed to be a reminder of a place visited. Many times the place that you have just visited may hold no special meaning for the person receiving the omiyage or, at least, none that you are aware of. This is it just something that you must give to co-workers/family/friends, simply because that is what people do.

The best meaning for omiyage I can think up is:

 ”A small gift (usually food) that you must give people after you have been on a trip, otherwise they will think you are rude.”

Omiyage is so ubiquitous that shops dedicated to the selling of it are at just about any location of vague interest. Anywhere even just a little bit touristy has these things all over the place. Worse is that in the many shinkansen stations and airports dotted around Japan there are now omiyage shops which specialise in goods from other regions. So, say a couple who live in Tokyo visit Kyoto for a weekend, they no longer have to bother with the difficult process of thinking of others while there. They can just buy some random stuff from Kyoto at Tokyo train station when they return. Even madder there are now companies that have “Omiyage catalogues” which deliver this stuff to your door. So you don’t even have to take the time to go to a shop.

To me omiyage seems to be a thing that people are expected to do rather than stuff given out of the goodness of their heart, which is kind of sad. But perhaps this culture of gift giving has lead to the BEST THING EVER MADE™.

I recently went on a trip to Yamanashi, the prefecture where Mount Fuji is. We went for a drive up to the base of the mountain and there I found something incredible, Mount Fuji shaped melon bread. Anyone who knows me will be aware that I think freshly made, bakery melon bread is the greatest of all Japanese food. Shaping it in such a cool Japanese way just perfects it. Not only that it was, hand on heart, perhaps the greatest melon bread I have ever tasted. Having sampled it for myself I realised that I had to share its greatness with others. So, I am telling you about it dear readers and I also bought a couple to share with my house-mates.

THAT was done out of the goodness of my heart, as they are British folk no omyiage is expected but this find is something that I just had to give them a chance to try.

I don’t know about you but I don’t go to the cinema very often. It’s just so expensive these days. It is very rare that I really want to pay so much just to see something on a big screen surrounded by crashes and bangs. Since 3D got popular, it has only gotten worse. The last thing I want to do is pay more for an over-hyped special effect which at best is unnecessary and at worst distracting.

Most of the time I only go to the movies to watch the latest Hollywood blockbuster, which means having to endure (and paying extra for the privilege of wearing) those 3D glasses but it does give me the relief of understanding everything in the film. In Japan dubbing foreign films is not so popular, even with animation, so non-Japanese films appear in their original language which 9 times out of ten will be English.

I can happily sit in the cinema for a couple of hours, turn my brain off and enjoy some vacuous entertainment the way Hollywood wants me to. The only distracting thing is the presence of Japanese subtitles which you can’t help but try to read during a film’s duller moments (or in the case of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, the whole damn film). In 3D movies the subtitles annoyingly jump out at you as well, making them even more in your face, literally.

However when I want to see a Japanese film, I would prefer to see those subtitles that seem like such an annoyance when watching films in my native tongue. Thus with Japanese movies, despite living in Japan, I generally have to wait for some sort of American DVD release before I can watch them. There are some films though, generally adaptations of things from other media that I love, which I just have to see NOW. Thus I have been to the cinema a few times to sit there straining away, trying to work out what is being said while all around me sit there all relaxed munching on popcorn.

The feeling I get from other people and, to be honest, deep in the dark recesses of my own heart is that people would rather not pay expensive cinema prices to sit in a dark room and have incomprehensible words played at them at high volume. I think there is a bit of a fear there and I can say that the few Japanese movies I’ve seen at the cinema are all remakes of stories I know well anyway.

You can count those films on less than 1 hand too, the two Evangelion remakes, Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney and Rurouni Kenshin. Watching them has been very unique and eye-opening experiences.

I watched the first Evangelion film a long time ago and went in with no delusions that I would actually understand anything. I hadn’t been studying Japanese for very long and was just along to watch the pretty colours and flashing lights projected on the screen. There was very little different from the tv show that I had watched an obscene number of times so I knew everything that was happening even if I didn’t understand what they were saying.

The 2nd Eva film played havoc with my expectations however. I left the theatre pretty proud of myself, happily declaring that I had understood 70% of it despite them deviating from the TV series in some ways. I also marvelled about how unexpected these changes were, especially when they switched around characters and had me thinking they had killed an important cast member off. That had caught me totally off guard and I was so shocked. It was only when I watched an English subtitled version of it that I realised they had flat-out said that the character would be there two scenes before hand AND that she wasn’t dead just in sick bay all along. I felt like a right fool and watching the English translation made the film worse in my eyes. They should have kept it a secret until the last-minute and they should have made it seem like they had killed that girl off, it would have been so much better.

With Phoenix Wright, the first part stuck close to the original story, so I took it all in my stride and enjoyed it. The finale of the film took place in a court room, with all the specialised words that entails, coupled with the fact that it differed from the game quite a bit by the end. I was completely lost as the credit began to roll.

It felt like the end had dragged on for ages and as a result I did not enjoy it as much as I could have. The fact that the English version of the game it was based on changed all the names of the characters didn’t help me keep track of who was who either.

And so, 800 words into this post, I finally get to the reason I’m writing this. Last week I saw the Rurouni Kenshin movie. I thought it was as about as good as a live action anime adaptation can be. All the actors cast looked and acted the part, there was a nice mix of playing it mostly realistically with the odd impossible moment.

Before I watched it I was wondering how it could tell all of the first third of the (rather large) Kenshin story in one movie. In the original, the stories were told one after the other but in this film it had them happen concurrently and it weaved the various tales together well. Sure, they cut out one fan favourite character but replaced him with another to make up for it. Kenshin is an anime that I really loved when I first watched it and there is even a flashback scene that is almost shot for shot the same as in the Kenshin OVA, which I thought was a nice little bit of fan service for those that know its significance.

I thought the film was wonderful and I felt that I had understood a large chunk of it, I have been studying Japanese for a good 5 years now after all and I know the original story pretty well. I am eager to watch a translated version of the film to find out if I understood the plot correctly or I just made assumptions based on educated guesses.

Finally, I have to mention the best reason to go to the cinema in Japan, the anti-piracy message that plays before the film. The camera may be doing something illegal but he sure can dance!

NHK is the Japanese equivalent of the BBC. A channel with no adverts which the viewer funds. Unlike in Britain, I don’t actually know anyone who pays their TV licence. It seems like there isn’t any legal requirement to pay the bill and no one ever gets any fines.  So when the NHK man comes a knocking, people pretty much ignore him until he goes away. Perhaps as a result of this lack of funding NHK isn’t the most exciting of channels, choosing to focus on news and educational shows. Most of which are dull but some can stick out from the crowd and be quite fun to watch.

One very throw away programme they put on goes by the name of 0655 (or 1155). It is just a 5 minute thing put on as a space filler in the schedules. Named after the times it is shown, it consists of short random animations and clips. The aim of it is to get you up and ready for your day or wind you down before bed time. This programme first caught my attention when it showed an episode of Simon’s Cat, which are cute little animations about a man and his cat. They first turned up on YouTube so I was surprised to see them on TV, more cat fun followed and it completely charmed me.

Ore, Neko (I’m a Cat) lasts barely a minute but is wonderful. NHK viewers send in pictures of their cat and they are shown on telly with a fun little musical accompaniment.

The cat on this particular day was called Chaff.

But just what is this singing cat trying to tell us? Let’s find out:

おれ、ねこ　おれ、ねこ
ore neko, ore neko
I’m a cat, I’m a cat.

ここ　おれの家　ここ　おれの家
koko ore no uchi, koko ore no uchi
Here is my house. Here is my house.

これ　いつものご飯　これ　スペシャルご飯
kore itsumono gohan, kore supesharu gohan
This is my usual meal. This is my special meal.

それ　大好きおもちゃ　それ　落ち着く寝床
sore daisuki omocha, sore ochitsuku nedoko
That is a toy I love. That is the bed I unwind in.

おれ、ねこ　これ　家のやつ
ore neko, kore uchi no yatsu
I’m a cat. This is my house’s human.

こいつ　ご飯をくれる　こいつ　遊んでくれる
koitsu gohan wo kureru, koitsu asonde kureru
This human gives me food. This human plays with me.

おれ　ねこだから　こいつの言葉わからない
ore neko dakara koitsu no kotoba wakaranai
Because I’m a cat, I don’t understand what this human says.

おれ　ねこだけど　こいつの気持ち　なぜかよくわかる
ore neko dakedo koitsu no kimochi naseka yoku wakaru
Even though I’m a cat,  for some reason I can always understand this human’s feelings.

おれ、ねこ　おれ、ねこ　おれ、ねこ　おれ、ねこ
ore neko, ore neko, ore neko, ore neko
I’m a cat, I’m a cat. I’m a cat, I’m a cat.

Now we know all about Chaff, lets hear from Miro, a female cat.

あたし、ねこ　あたし、ねこ
atashi neko, atashi neko
I’m a cat, I’m a cat.

ここ　あたしん家　ここ　あたしん家
koko atashin uchi, koko atashin no uchi
Here is my house. Here is my house.

これ　いつものご飯　これ　スペシャルご飯
kore itsumono gohan, kore supesharu gohan
This is my usual meal. This is my special meal.

それ　大好きおもちゃ　それ　落ち着く寝床
sore daisuki omocha, sore ochitsuku nedoko
That is a toy I love. That is the bed I unwind in.

あたし、ねこ　この人　飼い主
atashi neko, kono hito kainushi
I’m a cat. This person is my owner.

この人　ご飯をくれる　この人　遊んでくれる
kono hito gohan wo kureru, kono hito asonde kureru
This person gives me food. This person plays with me.

あたし　ねこだから　この人の言葉わからない
atashi neko dakara kono hito no kotoba wakaranai
Because I’m a cat, I don’t understand what this person says.

あたし　ねこだけど　この人の気持ち　なぜかよくわかる
atashi neko dakedo kono hito no kimochi naseka yoku wakaru
Even though I’m a cat,  for some reason I can always understand this person’s feelings.

あたし、ねこ　あたし、ねこ　あたし、ねこ　あたし、ねこ
atashi neko, atashi neko, atashi neko, atashi neko
I’m a cat, I’m a cat. I’m a cat, I’m a cat.

I love how these 2 songs show the difference in male and female Japanese. Chaff, the male cat, refers to himself using ore, this is a very harsh boyish way to refer to yourself. It is mainly used by little boys or men trying to sound tough. Miro, the female cat, on the other hand uses atashi. This is a very cutsie way of saying I, only said by young women. Chaff also refers to his owner in rather a over familiar almost derogatory way by using yatsu and koitsu. These words can be translated as fellow, guy or bloke but in English I couldn’t think of a unisex equivalent so I just went with human, this is a cat speaking after all. Miro uses the much more usual and polite hito which just means person. She even uses the word kainushi which actually means owner.

So we can tell that Chaff is an impudent little rascal while Miro is a wonderful, polite Nadeshiko of a cat.

Remember that old Chuck Norris Facts meme? Stuff like “Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.” Well, that was fun and all but has he ever made a man literally explode simply by throwing him?

As you can see this man has. His name is Segata Sanshiro and HE is the ultimate bad ass. Not only has he performed that feet of strength but he is perhaps single-handedly responsible for the Sega Saturn’s success in Japan.

The Sega Saturn was a games console that Sega released in the mid nineties. It didn’t sell too well in the west due to its lack of 3D capabilities and difficulty to program for it. In Japan however, it held its own. I believe this is largely because if you didn’t buy one, Segata Sanshiro would beat you up.

Whatever marketing man thought him up deserves an award. The character himself was based on the main character from Sugata Sanshiro, a film by Akira Kurosawa. In that film, Sugata Sanshiro learns about himself through Judo, Sega’s Segata Sanshiro on the other hand is already a Judo master and knows all there is to discover about life already.

He would appear in Japanese Saturn ads during the 90s and show people the error of their ways for not playing Sega before uttering the immortal line “SEGA SATURN SHIRO!”.

Lets analyse that phrase for a minute:
セガサタ-ンしろ！
sega sataan shiro!
YOU MUST PLAY SEGA SATURN!

As you can see, that catchphrase is a play on his name and tells you in no uncertain terms that if you don’t play Sega Saturn, he will beat you up, again.

These commercials are brilliant, confirming my long-held belief that commercials are the best thing about Japanese TV (with one or two notable exceptions). They chronicle Segata Sanshiro’s many adventures, such as kicking baseballs to score home runs, single-handedly winning the 1998 World Cup for Japan, twice, head butting bricks and teaching flirty youths the meaning of wholesomeness (which is playing more Sega Saturn obviously).

See them all here:

These don’t hold a candle to the incredible officially released song though, just check out this verse:

“Even if they chase after the petty pleasure of sex
Their soul will stay empty
Those who do not commit themselves to extreme gaming
Will find their bodies severely beaten!”

Speaks for itself, doesn’t it? Never cross Segata Sanshiro or your will find your body beaten, severely.

Whole Song with English Subtitles:

All good things have to come to an end though. With the release of the Dreamcast, Sega’s successor to the Saturn, he was no longer needed. He went out in a blaze of glory deflecting a missile away from Sega’s HQ.

I salute you Segata Sanshiro, Japan’s ultimate bad ass.

When I still worked at an elementary school, the kitchen staff decided to have a British cuisine themed school lunch one day. This was very nice and flattering and all but despite asking me for food suggestions it was obvious that the menu had been designed by someone who had never been within 500 miles of the UK. So that day, in spring 2012, we ate something similar to shepherd’s pie, vegetable soup, cheese bread, an apple and tea jelly.

Having tea jelly was certainly an experience but what stuck out most for me that day was something written on the Paku Paku Dayori. I noticed that they had written the old proverb, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away” on the sheet. It was a delight to see this translated in Japanese to “１日１個のりんごを食べるとお医者さんがいらない”  which kinda means “1 day, eat 1 apple and you don’t need a doctor”.

This led me to wonder about other proverbs said by Japanese people which might be similar to the ones we use in English.

It turns out there are quite a few.

ローマは一日にしてならず
Roma wa ichinichi ni shite narasu
Rome wasn’t built in a day.

This one is literally exactly the same.

一石二鳥
Iiseki nichou
1 stone, 2 birds.

Same meaning as “Killing two birds with one stone”, only this time maybe the birds haven’t been killed, only slightly maimed.

猫に小判
Neko ni koban
Coins to a cat.

Have you ever given money to your cats? Did they know what to do with them? Nope… This one means the same as “Pearls before swine”.

手前味噌
Temae miso
The miso soup in front of you.

It’s annoying if a person goes on and on about how great their home-made miso soup tastes. The same as “Singing one’s own praises”

There are loads of proverbs that aren’t in English though

馬の耳に念仏
Uma no mini ni nenbutsu
A buddhist prayer into a horse’s ear.

There is no point saying prayers to a horse because he won’t understand what you are talking about. This one basically refers to a person who shows no sign at all of listening to what someone is telling them. It is also related to my favourite Japanese idiom, “Bajitoufu“. Which basically means in one ear and out the other.

However my favourite proverb is:

猿も木から落ちる
Saru mo ki kara ochiru
Monkeys also fall from trees.

This is basically saying that even experts can muck things up too. I have yet to find an opportunity to use this in conversation but when that day comes I will be a very happy man indeed.