Remember that old Chuck Norris Facts meme? Stuff like “Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.” Well, that was fun and all but has he ever made a man literally explode simply by throwing him?

As you can see this man has. His name is Segata Sanshiro and HE is the ultimate bad ass. Not only has he performed that feet of strength but he is perhaps single-handedly responsible for the Sega Saturn’s success in Japan.

The Sega Saturn was a games console that Sega released in the mid nineties. It didn’t sell too well in the west due to its lack of 3D capabilities and difficulty to program for it. In Japan however, it held its own. I believe this is largely because if you didn’t buy one, Segata Sanshiro would beat you up.

Whatever marketing man thought him up deserves an award. The character himself was based on the main character from Sugata Sanshiro, a film by Akira Kurosawa. In that film, Sugata Sanshiro learns about himself through Judo, Sega’s Segata Sanshiro on the other hand is already a Judo master and knows all there is to discover about life already.

He would appear in Japanese Saturn ads during the 90s and show people the error of their ways for not playing Sega before uttering the immortal line “SEGA SATURN SHIRO!”.

Lets analyse that phrase for a minute:
セガサタ-ンしろ！
sega sataan shiro!
YOU MUST PLAY SEGA SATURN!

As you can see, that catchphrase is a play on his name and tells you in no uncertain terms that if you don’t play Sega Saturn, he will beat you up, again.

These commercials are brilliant, confirming my long-held belief that commercials are the best thing about Japanese TV (with one or two notable exceptions). They chronicle Segata Sanshiro’s many adventures, such as kicking baseballs to score home runs, single-handedly winning the 1998 World Cup for Japan, twice, head butting bricks and teaching flirty youths the meaning of wholesomeness (which is playing more Sega Saturn obviously).

See them all here:

These don’t hold a candle to the incredible officially released song though, just check out this verse:

“Even if they chase after the petty pleasure of sex
Their soul will stay empty
Those who do not commit themselves to extreme gaming
Will find their bodies severely beaten!”

Speaks for itself, doesn’t it? Never cross Segata Sanshiro or your will find your body beaten, severely.

Whole Song with English Subtitles:

All good things have to come to an end though. With the release of the Dreamcast, Sega’s successor to the Saturn, he was no longer needed. He went out in a blaze of glory deflecting a missile away from Sega’s HQ.

I salute you Segata Sanshiro, Japan’s ultimate bad ass.

When I still worked at an elementary school, the kitchen staff decided to have a British cuisine themed school lunch one day. This was very nice and flattering and all but despite asking me for food suggestions it was obvious that the menu had been designed by someone who had never been within 500 miles of the UK. So that day, in spring 2012, we ate something similar to shepherd’s pie, vegetable soup, cheese bread, an apple and tea jelly.

Having tea jelly was certainly an experience but what stuck out most for me that day was something written on the Paku Paku Dayori. I noticed that they had written the old proverb, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away” on the sheet. It was a delight to see this translated in Japanese to “１日１個のりんごを食べるとお医者さんがいらない”  which kinda means “1 day, eat 1 apple and you don’t need a doctor”.

This led me to wonder about other proverbs said by Japanese people which might be similar to the ones we use in English.

It turns out there are quite a few.

ローマは一日にしてならず
Roma wa ichinichi ni shite narasu
Rome wasn’t built in a day.

This one is literally exactly the same.

一石二鳥
Iiseki nichou
1 stone, 2 birds.

Same meaning as “Killing two birds with one stone”, only this time maybe the birds haven’t been killed, only slightly maimed.

猫に小判
Neko ni koban
Coins to a cat.

Have you ever given money to your cats? Did they know what to do with them? Nope… This one means the same as “Pearls before swine”.

手前味噌
Temae miso
The miso soup in front of you.

It’s annoying if a person goes on and on about how great their home-made miso soup tastes. The same as “Singing one’s own praises”

There are loads of proverbs that aren’t in English though

馬の耳に念仏
Uma no mini ni nenbutsu
A buddhist prayer into a horse’s ear.

There is no point saying prayers to a horse because he won’t understand what you are talking about. This one basically refers to a person who shows no sign at all of listening to what someone is telling them. It is also related to my favourite Japanese idiom, “Bajitoufu“. Which basically means in one ear and out the other.

However my favourite proverb is:

猿も木から落ちる
Saru mo ki kara ochiru
Monkeys also fall from trees.

This is basically saying that even experts can muck things up too. I have yet to find an opportunity to use this in conversation but when that day comes I will be a very happy man indeed.

Growing up in the 80s I clearly remember the options my parents got when we entered some sort of eatery. “Smoking or non-smoking”, they were asked. Smokers were generally placed in their own little room well away from me and my chips, or whatever I happened to be eating at the time.

Since the smoking ban in the UK, I guess such experiences are a thing of the past. I left England for pastures new before it was enforced but I remember discussing with my friends how it would be nice not to have to worry about all our clothes smelling of smoke when we returned from a night out. I guess we thought only having to worry about them smelling of booze instead would be miles better.

Whatever the results of the British smoking ban, eating or going out in Japan is like stepping into the twilight zone where everything is reversed. Smoking outside, where the smoke has limitless space to dissipate to, is frowned upon. Instead people smoke in special areas which, due to their placement near train stations, leads to a concentration of heavy smoke at station exits. You know, the kind of place where people usually wait for their friends.

As far as public places go, inside is where a Japanese smoker is expected to light up. As a result the question “Smoking or non-smoking” is still often said when you enter a restaurant, or at least it would be if people spoke English here. However it is different to my, probably rose-tinted, memories of the past. There are indeed smoking and non smoking sections but they are usually separated by nothing more than a screen. Sometimes it’s a screen which doesn’t even stretch along the length of a room. It’s as though people haven’t realised that smoke can go round corners.

As a result of all this, smoke often comes between my chips and my stomach. I get rather frustrated when I decide to go to Dotour coffee shop for my lunch break only to return to the office smelling of smoke. It’s not my favourite of smells.

Most of the time people smoking don’t bother me too much. I can deal with it and although I don’t understand the need to smoke, it isn’t the end of the world if someone on the same table as me sparks up. Recently though I was in a pub and the fellows on the table next to me were puffing away and I felt almost nauseous. They must have been smoking some kind of high tar concoction or something and I was just about to move tables when they thankfully got up and left. I guess that in my old age this kind of thing will have more and more of an effect on me.