When I was a lad I would often watch an American children’s cartoon called Hey Arnold. It was an odd cartoon, I don’t really recall anything of any note actually happening to the characters. I think maybe once they had a remote control boat race but that’s about it. The show did however introduce me to the concept of the stoop. The stoop is the staircase outside houses that leads up to the front door. In one episode of Hey Arnold they kept on going on about a ‘stoop kid’ who would just sit on a stoop all day and never leave it.

Well there isn’t a stoop outside my flat here in Japan but there is a small step and a local character who often sits there smoking. I have named him Stoop Ojii-san (old man) and I wonder why he chose this particular place to sit, maybe it is for this magnificent view:

Yes, he just sits there and basks in the warm glow of a vending machine, a strange pass time.

Like many old men in this country he can’t speak any English but he seems to like engaging me in conversation as I walk past him. Usually it’s just a quick konbanwa (good evening) greeting but occasionally he goes for something different. His favourite question is asking if the person I’m with is my girlfriend, even if it’s a man.

Yes, he has quite the developed sense of humour. Last night as I left home he tried his girlfriend line again, to which my friend replied with “Wakarimasen” (I don’t understand) and as we walked down the road she called back to him “I hope you have a good night tonight”. Instantly he retorted by saying…

“Wakarimasen.”

Such timing!

I don’t think I ever actually finished a game of Warhammer back in the day.

Japan is currently in the midst of a terrible crisis. Nothing to do with the current global financial problems, oh no, it’s a much greater and immediate issue.

There are no bananas.

Anywhere.

Japan’s banana shortage is a result of the latest fad in Japan, The Morning Banana Diet. Apparently this diet originated in some chat rooms on the internet where some people reported that it led to outstanding weight loss without the need to exercise. Word spread quickly and there are books everywhere about it.

The diet itself is amazingly simple and is as follows:

1) Eat two bananas for breakfast.
2) Only drink water.
3) Go to bed early (!?).

Seriously, that’s it! Which ever bright spark came up with the idea that if you eat less for breakfast, you will lose weight deserves a commendation from Captain Obvious. It blatantly expects you not to pig out during other meals but why bananas? Hell, the website that I got the rules from even states that you can substitute other fruit. So if the originator of this diet had a penchant for cantaloupe then the price of that probably would have increased ten fold.

So as the result of a whim of an individual, this whole country has literally gone bananas and I’m getting frustrated because I can’t find any.

Even if I did find some, I wouldn’t be able to bloody afford them.

One of the first things people notice after they first arrive in Japan is that they are greeted with an “Irashaimase!” (いらしゃいませ) every time they enter a shop. Irashaimase means “May I help you?” or “Welcome to the shop”, which is far more pleasurable than the usual scowl and mumble that you get from the shop assistants back in the UK.

When I was first confronted by irashaimases I really didn’t know how to act or what to do in reply. At first I settled for a smile and nod toward the shop assistant. Having to do this three times every time I walked into a shop quickly became repetitive.

I finally realised how robotic the irashaimase is while browsing in the Sagamihara branch of BOOK OFF. This branch is extremely long, the doors are at one end of the store and the tills at the other and every time someone enters a little bell goes off by the cash registers. This is the shop workers prompt to say irashimase. That is all well and good but there is no way the person wondering into the shop can hear. From where I was standing however I could hear very clearly. So for about ten minutes my world was: *DING* “Irashaimase”, *DING* Irashaimase, *DING* irashaimase, ad nauseum.

Since then my technique is to simply ignore the irashimases and the shop workers themselves unless I need to ask them for something. Unless, of course, I experience a pre-emptive irashimase, one uttered by a shop assistant even before I enter the store. When confronted with that I like to turn around and go somewhere else, even if I fully intended to buy something from there.

How dare they assume!

While I’ve been in Japan, there has been one place that no matter what, made my days that little bit easier. Whether I was happy or sad, depressed or ecstatic, alone or with a group, drunk, hungover or sober this one place always had just what the doctor ordered and for a cheap price too.

I am of course talking about my local convenience store, SHOP99. SHOP99 was a great place, as you can probably guess by the name, everything in there cost 104 yen and while it was not always the best quality there was always something in there you could use for any occasion.

Imagine my surprise then when I went to get my groceries on Thursday that the entire shop had vanished! Sure the building was still there but all SHOP99 branding had been removed and replaced with a new name, Lawson 100. As you can tell by the name, now, suddenly, everything costs 105 yen in there.

“Inflation? Credit Crunch?” I hear you cry.

BULLSHIT I say!

Interestingly one of the things that stood out about the SHOP99 was that none of the staff in there ever said irashaimase that often. In a way it was like a breath of fresh air but for this one extra yen I now have to pay, I expect irashiaimases the second I walk through that door! I want to see that extra money I am paying go toward something!

Something else I noticed in this “new improved” shop is the sound of muzak wafting from the tannoy system. It’s so sad, mainly because SHOP99 had something special. It had it’s own incredibly cheesy theme song which played at random times throughout the day. Normally this kind of thing would piss me of no end and perhaps if I worked there and heard it 100 times a day, I would have gone on a shotgun murder rampage after a week but the enthusiasm the song has can’t help but win you over. This song really is quite the hit with the English speaking population of Higashi Rinkan, despite the fact that none of us really know what the high-voiced lady was singing many a drunken night has been spent singing the “Shopu kyu kyu kyu” refrain.

Hell, this song is so good that I fell I must share it with the world, so here for perhaps the first time (a Nippon The Bus exclusive!) are the lyrics translated into English.

SHOP99 99 99
SHOP99 99 99
Not only good value,
We have just the thing for you
We always deliver
with a good feeling. 99 99

SHOP99 99 99
SHOP99 99 99
Cabbage and radishes 99 99
Meat and fish 99 99
Sweets, pudding, yoghurt.
Let’s all buy them together.
SHOP99 99
SHOP99 99 99 99 99!

Here is the song itself, make sure you listen until the end to hear the orgasmic final “KYU!”.